still in a little bit of my funk from yesterday. recognized that it's akin to the feeling i used to get during summer vacation from school; after the thrill of endless free time passed, i would sometimes get a sense of excessive laxness, all of the tone gone out of my days. aside from using the boy's nap time to study, the rest of my time is unscheduled. there's no lack of things around the house and the yard that need to get done, but having endless time stretching out in front of me leaves me feeling like i'm in a swamp of time, nothing solid to work off of for the forseeable future. though it may not explain it entirely, this somehow contributes to the feeling of dullness i've been having lately, like there's a veil between me and my life; i see everything happening, but nothing really touches me.
actually, i remember this being one of the feelings i had after we miscarried our first two babies; like life could just go on and on, but none of it really mattering. so perhaps, then, some of this is grief. grief for our land as it was, for the animals and plants, for the trees, the beauty and companionship that was lost with them.
in that light, here is a picture in celebration of what we had:
the little roundish pine standing alone and our apple, peeking in from the right, remain.
this photo, as a reminder, is so deeply saddening. i want to believe that we will adapt to our transformed landscape, but some days it is very hard to feel anything but loss.
ReplyDelete