I stepped out during a small gathering at my house to sit for five minutes in the tree. I've been struggling with some of the dynamics in the gathering. A guest of ours was quite a shining superstar, akin to a sibling of mine with the same life-of-the-party qualities. I tend to shrink around people with these qualities, feeling entirely eclipsed, useless, worthless. For the moment that I was able to tune out of my head and in to my senses in the tree, I could feel that which was silent, that which was eternal, loving, accepting, which was a great balm for the emotions I'd been experiencing in the house.
I checked in with my "spider web" image that is always an immense help when I feel myself ungrounded. (I described it thus in my blog last year: "I imagined a perfect, flat spiderweb in the air connecting me to...the trees and plants and everyone else around. We all were its anchor points, so we all needed to hold it in place properly. When I am in a frightened state (or, more often, a self-centered, mindless state), I am pulling and yanking on the part of the web I am supposed to be supporting, throwing it all out of balance.") For the first time in my use of this tool, I found that I had metaphorically let go of my part of the spiderweb. My instinct for self-preservation had driven me to let go of my responsibilities to the world. It highlighted for me that I feel I have nothing to offer when I am around folks with a certain type of personality, and that this response of mine not only hurts me but also causes me to shut down, leaving me with my hands empty for the world.
(My little boy just awoke and called me in to the bedroom, and there I was exactly perfect for him, for what he wanted and needed.)
I leaned against the tree, looking at the silver moon through its branches, and it came to me that when a tree nears the end of its life, its death comes slowly, somewhat predictably (in the absence of humans and wind storms, etc). We humans may well worry over losing each other suddenly, without any time to bid farewell, but communities of trees must feel and know a neighbor's coming death for months, years beforehand. (I will post my Day 7 notes within the next few days.)
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Hi Lark! I like this post. And what is interesting is I had a beauty moment at my spot yesterday too, but with a different theme, freedom. For one, of a handful of times in my life, I felt free, and I recognized it.
ReplyDeleteOne thought for you regarding your thoughts around the life of the party person. Another angle to gaze at this situation, what if that person has gifts that you already have, but haven't tapped into yet? One thing that I find interesting to play with is this: when I recognize I am feeling small because of someone else's gifts I thank them and let them know how wonderful they are in my mind and then I consciously let myself know that there's plenty to go around. Changes the dynamics excellently!
Peace,
Kamana Kat
PS Nice Blog!