The Path

Staying at my mom's in the city. Rough time putting the boy down, my impatience, exhaustion, need to be alone thwarting any attempts he made to distract me into playfulness.

Slept for a bit after he drifted off. Woke up and knew I needed to sit, but rested a bit more, on the edge of sleep. A few minutes later, it was suddenly entirely clear to me that either I get up and go outside in that moment or I would fall asleep and miss my sit for the night. Up I got.

I've been remembering that I have the option to follow these messages, this guidance, daily. One could, I know, follow them every moment, walk the path Creator lays for us, live as "God's hands" in the world. I have been friends with a woman who strives to do so, to see and to let go of her own personal desires, opinions, anger. To release her ego's control over her choices and instead follow the guidance she receives in every matter. To live following her Inner Vision, as Tom Brown would put it. I feel that to make this choice is part of the ultimate fulfillment of my own path. I know already that the guidance is available to me in nearly every moment, from whether to have a second helping of food to how to comport myself in disagreements with my husband for our mutual benefit. When I give it a moment, the path is usually made clear to me, but until very recently I have been forgetting to even consult this guidance, and have instead been giving priority to only my own wants and opinions.

To live this way, with this discipline, is so contrary to our wider culture - the mainstream, at least - which makes it seem more out of reach, more difficult to attain. And yet I know that people on spiritual paths of all kinds have been living in such a way for much of human history. The Iroquois maxim to consider the impact of every decision on the seventh generation into the future is part of this path. Walking the path of awareness in the meditative sense is part of it. Yet seeing people in my life who are actually living in this way is the most powerful frame of reference for me. My friend, in particular. I can see her personal sacrifices, I have benefitted from her resulting generosity, and I have witnessed the power she is gifted in return for her labors. As she is naturally in communication with Creator all throughout the day, she is a seer, and has helped to guide many people with the insights and comprehension granted her by Creator, the universe. I think that perhaps we all are equal tools for Creator in life, each with her or his own sort of powers. I believe that the day will not come that I am able to offer my own highest gifts until I have undertaken this path, the path of following my guidance far more than I do now, following it by second nature.

Sat out tonight on my mother's porch. Four different kinds of buzzing, clicking insects filled every space with sound. The hum of cars and trucks in the background. Electronic voices and music seeping out into the night through open windows. My belly full and round with the baby, my mood still tight with residual irritation from the bedtime struggle. The moon lifted herself gently above the branches as I sat. The trees in neighbors' yards tower over my mother's house and yard, so much taller than ours in the country.