Loss

we lost my dad's dog today, and then we found him.

searching for a house for my dad on back roads, we found a promising one for sale. we got out, walked around, discussed things, and then the dog was gone. we always let him out to run around, and always he is right there when it's time to go. for five hours we called for him, drove around, called the police station, the humane society, talked to neighbors there, to the corner store, all to no avail. this dog is my dad's partner, and my dad'd life is pretty much scheduled around tenn's needs, as my dad is retired and has no set schedule of his own. they walk for hours together, bushwhacking through the woods, every day. they are a great pair, and facing the possibility that my dad might go home tonight alone was heartbreaking.

on our final departure from the house, posters in hand to hang up all around town, there he was, standing alert but confused in the neighbor's yard. there was a great homecoming, then my dad declared that he hated him and was going to take a shotgun to him, and then he wiped tears from his eyes.

during the time that he was missing, i felt myself again in that nightmare limbo, the same feeling as the day i put fritz down: "something awful may well happen today, and all i can do is sit and wait for it to happen," holding my breath, not able to pay attention to any one thing, just wishing and wishing. when he showed up, he glowed, in my eyes, with the aura of one who is precious, of one who was torn from our arms and then restored to the place in our life where he belongs. i was confused, in a way, for quite a while. i had grown so accustomed to looking for him and not finding him and reminding myself that he was lost that even when he was back, i kept reminding myself that he was lost. my brain was stuck on remembering the loss. when i finally accepted that he really was back, the expectation and hope arose in me that fritz would come back, too. if tenn was lost and dad's heart was broken and then tenn came back and they're happy, then fritz can come back, too! now, tonight, i am settling back into my reality that fritz is not coming back, which i continue to resist.

when tenn returned and was safe in the car and i was aware of how much he means to our family, it brought to mind the knowledge that people in past times and people in other countries face loss much more than we do, whether from illness, injuries, animal attacks, war, or whatever. loss of loved ones has been more prevalent than it is for us, and the resulting sense of appreciation for what we have when our loved ones are with us must, i imagine, have been felt more acutely and been more a part of everyday reality. what would it mean to hold our loss daily, to remember what it feels like to lose ones we love as we go about our lives? already my feelings from today are drifting away, being covered up by the knowledge that everything is fine, everything is back to normal. but what if held that pain, that fear, that celebration from today? how would that change my attitude toward other people who are in the midst of loss? toward those who are dear to me? how would that change the choices i make, what i choose to do with my time.

while tenn was still glowing with his recent return and i was still melting with appreciation for the simple fact that he was with us again, i felt myself at a crossroads: whether to love and risk losing, or whether to maintain a distance for the rest of my life, thereby protecting myself from ever experiencing sharp pain again. it is a possibility - one that i chose when i was younger, and then worked years with my husband to reverse so that i could open up again and bare my heart to the world and him. but how tempting to close all the doors, try to take control over our hearts in this way. and how devastating for us, our souls, dried up and alone.